there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
