You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize