true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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