New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
It's official drugs can't kill me
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
