I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
