I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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