So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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