i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
