LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
