Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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