shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
