My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Randomize
