I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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