Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize
