Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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