i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
