By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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