Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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