whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I stole a fireplace last night.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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