I was born with a shot glass in my hand
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
The adults are the big ones right?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
