i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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