So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
