I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Randomize
