I'm going to rape someone's good day.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
