you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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