FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
