I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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