Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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