I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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