My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
