i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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