I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
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