i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
