Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
