We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
