he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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