Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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