He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
