He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
