Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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