hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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