I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
