is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize