my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
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