If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
But I just had this pork p�t�. It was dick grabbing.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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