totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I supernannyed him into submission
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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