god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
