I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
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