yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
