the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
