I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
