i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
