No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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