I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
