he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
It's official drugs can't kill me
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
