you lied. pity sex is amazing.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
