so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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