When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I didn't notice because vodka
Use "feeling words"
Yay
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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