It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
